The Bitches are Back

UNIONDALE, NY—Me and Friendly Fred just got out of an Elton John concert in that hockey arena where the Islanders play. Now Elton isn’t exactly Fred’s cup of funk, but I’ll tell ya, after yesterday afternoon’s Orioles-Yankees game, he would’ve been ready to see the Partridge Family.

See, we’ve really bonded in the last 48 hours since we split from the Funkyland Express. Just proves that if two people are in the same dire straits, even if one’s a Red Sox fan and the other pulls for the Yankees, they can find a way to get along. I just promise not to talk about David Oritz if he never brings up Bucky Dent and all’s just fine.

Does a Bear Die in the Woods?

PITTSBURGH—Not the Cubbie ones. Mine do it in classic humiliating fashion before 30,000 screaming Bucs nuts.

Their tragic elimination number down to one, Seamus gets me to Three Rivers so one fifth of me can evaporate with them live and in person. I suppose he’s showing me a little support by doing this, but I think I’d rather be in Cincinnati with my Cards, or Baltimore with my Royals, or Cleveland with my Twins or Boston with my White—no, I’ll pass on that one.

Give Thanks for Our Stats

We’re one week away from September and Labor Day, and further wheat is separating from further chaff. Rod Carew may not hit .400 but he’s damn close, George Foster just reached the 50-dinger mark with over a month left to hit the two more he’s slated to, while John Candelaria and Dennis Leonard look like prime Cy Young candidates.  The Cardinals are the Gap Band, with Keith Hernandez on a pace for 56 doubles and Garry Templeton for 27 triples.  I’m not a big stolen bases believer because I find that reckless running takes teams out of rallies more often than not, but I can tell you that Morgan has 31, Cedeno 27 and Lopes has 26 to lead the NL, while no one in the AL has enough to even be worth reporting.  Boston, with the best fielding, fewest walks allowed and worst E.R.A. in the league, is determined to also finish first in runs scored without stealing one base.

AL LEADERS

OPS
1.031 Thornton, CLE
1.026 Carbo, BOS
1.022 Carew, MIN
0.980 Gamble, CHX
0.967 Yaz, BOS
0.958 Brett, KC
0.954 Bostock, MIN
0.945 Evans, BOS
0.939 Hisle, MIN
0.934 Hargrove, TEX
0.934 Fisk, BOS
0.928 Jackson, NYY
0.915 Singleton, BAL

BATTING AVG
.392-Carew, MIN, .356-Bostock, MIN, .339-Brett, KC,
.336-Yaz, BOS, .325-Hisle, MIN, .314-Cowens, KC

HOMERS
32-Gamble, CHX, 32-Thornton, CLE, 31-Evans, BOS,
30-Jackson, NYY, 29-Yaz, BOS, 28-Nettles, NYY,
28-Carbo, BOS, 26-Harrah, TEX, 26-Fisk, BOS, 0-Kuiper, CLE

RBIs
109-Hisle, MIN, 106-Jackson, NYY, 100-Rice, BOS,
95-Thornton, CLE, 91-Nettles, NYY, 89-Yaz, BOS

GWRBIs
13-Brett, KC, 13-SIngleton, BAL, 11-Cowens, KC,
11-Yaz, BOS, 11-Piniella, NYY, 11-Hisle, MIN,
11-Harrah, TEX

WALKS
109-Hargrove, TEX, 75-Carbo, BOS, 74-Singleton, BAL,
72-Harrah, TEX, 69-Thornton, CLE, 67-Fisk, BOS

WINS
17-6 Perry, TEX, 17-8 Leonard, KC, 17-10 Palmer, BAL,
15-12 May, BAL, 14-4 Jenkins, BOS, 14-9 Figueroa, NYY

E.R.A.
2.58 Leonard, KC, 2.95 Guidry, NYY

SAVES
19-Campbell, BOS, 14-Littell, K.C., 13-Lyle, NYY,
13-T.Johnson, MIN, 12-Kern, CLE, 12

STRIKEOUTS
202-Leonard, KC, 180-Perry, TEX, 174-Guidry, NY,
174-Blyleven, TEX, 170-Eckersley, CLE

NL LEADERS

OPS
1.092 Smith, L.A.
1.040 Parker, PIT
1.040 Foster, CIN
1.001 Stargell, PIT
0.957 Bench, CIN
0.940 Carter, MON
0.933 McBride, PHL
0.919 Simmons, STL
0.911 Hernandez, STL
0.910 Ferguson, HOU
0.901 Morgan, CIN

BATTING AVG
.372-Parker, PIT, .369-Templeton, STL, .357-McBride, PHL,
.340-Simmons, STL, .330-Hernandez, STL, .317-Rose, CIN,
.315-Robinson, PIT, .312-Valentine, MON, .312-Foster, CIN, .310, Oliver, PIT

HOMERS
50-Foster, CIN, 37-Carter, MON, 36-Bench, CIN,
29-Smith, L.A., 29-Baker, L.A., 28-Murcer, CHC,
27-Robinson, PIT, 26-Schmidt, PHL, 26-Dawson, MON,
25-Watson, HOU, 25-Valentine, MON

RBIs
142-Foster, CIN, 121-Parker, PIT, 111-Bench, CIN,
104-Garvey, L.A., 103-Robinson, PIT,
102-Watson, HOU, 94-Murcer, CHC

GWRBIs
20-Watson, HOU, 15-Rose, CIN, 15-Hernandez, STL,
13-Foster, CIN, 11-Valentine, MON, 11-Parker, PIT

WALKS
98-Morgan, CIN, 89-Smith- L.A., 71-Griffey, CIN, 70-Lopes, L.A.,
68-Schmidt, PHL, 67-Ontiveros, CHC, 67-Cey, L.A.

WINS
19-7 Candelaria, PIT, 18-8 Hooton, L.A., 17-4 Seaver, CIN,
17-8 Carlton, PHL, 16-8 John, L.A., 16-9 Richard, HOU

E.R.A.
2.18-Candelaria, PIT, 2.21-Richard, HOU, 2.90-Hooton, L.A.,
2.92-Seaver, CIN, 3.07-Forsch, STL

SAVES
16-Hough, L.A., 16-Gossage, PIT, 14-Kerrigan, MON,
12-Sutter, CHC, 11-Garber, PHL, 10-Sambito, HOU

STRIKEOUTS
182-Carlton, PHL, 179-Richard, HOU, 169-Seaver, CIN,
161-Rogers, MON, 146-Hooton, L.A., 142-Candelaria, PIT

GET YOUR TEAM BREAKDOWNS RIGHT HERE! Per usual, here are PDFs of Team Hitting, Team Pitching, and Assorted Miscellany.

Rebirth of the Cool Blue?

PHILADELPHIA—You know my Dodgers must’ve got back whatever they lost if Sutton wins us a game. Seriously, the guy’s been a garbage disposal in the middle of the roation for months now, and even after this one still has our worst starting ERA at 5.22.

We Bozos are Off This Bus

CLEVELAND—The last pitch thrown by Mark Littell to Larvell Blanks was probably an hour ago, and me and Friendly Fred have already hitched halfway to Buffalo. By now they must know we’ve split. Jetted. Vamooshed. Gone from that crazy bus faster than a college calculus class for spring break.

Sorry, Seamus, Lester, Sherman, Amy, Little Me and even you Sheila, but YOU’RE the ones who are crazy, following these horror movie pennant races around to their deadly ends. Right, Fred?

“Damn straight and a half, fool!”

The Rabid Dog Days of August

The fourth 100-degree day in a row blew two gaskets in the bus’ engine, so while I worked on the thing I got us a bunch of motel rooms somewhere in Jersey, wired the TVs into our Funkyland Express satellite feed and everyone got to see their teams in action at some point.

To Have and Have Not a Bullpen

Excuse the schmaltz, but it’s my anniversary this week…

Far from the distant sounds of organ music and crunched peanut shells, I held Sheila in my arms. The horrors of Bill Campbell had subsided for the time being, but my body was still bruised, my brain spent. Sheila, having endured no such pain with her Pirates on the triumphant end of another massacre, sympathized but could not share my grief.

Play-by-Play, Session 122

PITTSBURGH—With the Dodgers opening their final three games at Three Rivers, I knew Sherman and Sheila would be at each other’s throats, so I made sure they sat at opposite ends of the aisle. Little did we know the Hooton-Candelaria “pitcher’s duel” would morph into a crazy, back-and-forth bashfest. Afterwards, I was able to nab their heavily-annotated game scorecards and weave them together for all of you to follow along:

New Sheriffs in Town

BALTIMORE—The Rangers have a chance to snag first place tonight, but I don’t exactly trust our trusty Texas friend Mr. Calhoun to be impartial about it if it happens, so Buzz here will be doing the reporting. Compound that with Little Me still teary-eyed over last night’s Oriole loss, and there’s a good chance we’ll be doing some post-game toy and ice cream damage control tonight.

Freddie’s Not Dead, but He’s Killing Me

PREVIOUSLY, IN FUNKYBALL: Patriot Act Inc.’s new plan to keep the entire gang together for the rest of the season is nearly ruined when Crazy Amy makes an empathetic detour to Graceland. Now, with Amy back on the bus and content to lie low, things are “normal” again as Seamus zaps them to wherever the pennant race action is hottest. But as Seamus outlined a month ago, and with just five weeks left in the season,”Time Segment Evaporations” will begin as teams start getting eliminated. And Lester, rooting for five of the 16 teams, is the most nervous about it…