Monthly Archives: November 2010

The Bitches are Back

UNIONDALE, NY—Me and Friendly Fred just got out of an Elton John concert in that hockey arena where the Islanders play. Now Elton isn’t exactly Fred’s cup of funk, but I’ll tell ya, after yesterday afternoon’s Orioles-Yankees game, he would’ve been ready to see the Partridge Family.

See, we’ve really bonded in the last 48 hours since we split from the Funkyland Express. Just proves that if two people are in the same dire straits, even if one’s a Red Sox fan and the other pulls for the Yankees, they can find a way to get along. I just promise not to talk about David Oritz if he never brings up Bucky Dent and all’s just fine. Continue reading

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Does a Bear Die in the Woods?

PITTSBURGH—Not the Cubbie ones. Mine do it in classic humiliating fashion before 30,000 screaming Bucs nuts.

Their tragic elimination number down to one, Seamus gets me to Three Rivers so one fifth of me can evaporate with them live and in person. I suppose he’s showing me a little support by doing this, but I think I’d rather be in Cincinnati with my Cards, or Baltimore with my Royals, or Cleveland with my Twins or Boston with my White—no, I’ll pass on that one. Continue reading

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Give Thanks for Our Stats

We’re one week away from September and Labor Day, and further wheat is separating from further chaff. Rod Carew may not hit .400 but he’s damn close, George Foster just reached the 50-dinger mark with over a month left to hit the two more he’s slated to, while John Candelaria and Dennis Leonard look like prime Cy Young candidates.  The Cardinals are the Gap Band, with Keith Hernandez on a pace for 56 doubles and Garry Templeton for 27 triples.  I’m not a big stolen bases believer because I find that reckless running takes teams out of rallies more often than not, but I can tell you that Morgan has 31, Cedeno 27 and Lopes has 26 to lead the NL, while no one in the AL has enough to even be worth reporting.  Boston, with the best fielding, fewest walks allowed and worst E.R.A. in the league, is determined to also finish first in runs scored without stealing one base.


1.031 Thornton, CLE
1.026 Carbo, BOS
1.022 Carew, MIN
0.980 Gamble, CHX
0.967 Yaz, BOS
0.958 Brett, KC
0.954 Bostock, MIN
0.945 Evans, BOS
0.939 Hisle, MIN
0.934 Hargrove, TEX
0.934 Fisk, BOS
0.928 Jackson, NYY
0.915 Singleton, BAL

.392-Carew, MIN, .356-Bostock, MIN, .339-Brett, KC,
.336-Yaz, BOS, .325-Hisle, MIN, .314-Cowens, KC

32-Gamble, CHX, 32-Thornton, CLE, 31-Evans, BOS,
30-Jackson, NYY, 29-Yaz, BOS, 28-Nettles, NYY,
28-Carbo, BOS, 26-Harrah, TEX, 26-Fisk, BOS, 0-Kuiper, CLE

109-Hisle, MIN, 106-Jackson, NYY, 100-Rice, BOS,
95-Thornton, CLE, 91-Nettles, NYY, 89-Yaz, BOS

13-Brett, KC, 13-SIngleton, BAL, 11-Cowens, KC,
11-Yaz, BOS, 11-Piniella, NYY, 11-Hisle, MIN,
11-Harrah, TEX

109-Hargrove, TEX, 75-Carbo, BOS, 74-Singleton, BAL,
72-Harrah, TEX, 69-Thornton, CLE, 67-Fisk, BOS

17-6 Perry, TEX, 17-8 Leonard, KC, 17-10 Palmer, BAL,
15-12 May, BAL, 14-4 Jenkins, BOS, 14-9 Figueroa, NYY

2.58 Leonard, KC, 2.95 Guidry, NYY

19-Campbell, BOS, 14-Littell, K.C., 13-Lyle, NYY,
13-T.Johnson, MIN, 12-Kern, CLE, 12

202-Leonard, KC, 180-Perry, TEX, 174-Guidry, NY,
174-Blyleven, TEX, 170-Eckersley, CLE


1.092 Smith, L.A.
1.040 Parker, PIT
1.040 Foster, CIN
1.001 Stargell, PIT
0.957 Bench, CIN
0.940 Carter, MON
0.933 McBride, PHL
0.919 Simmons, STL
0.911 Hernandez, STL
0.910 Ferguson, HOU
0.901 Morgan, CIN

.372-Parker, PIT, .369-Templeton, STL, .357-McBride, PHL,
.340-Simmons, STL, .330-Hernandez, STL, .317-Rose, CIN,
.315-Robinson, PIT, .312-Valentine, MON, .312-Foster, CIN, .310, Oliver, PIT

50-Foster, CIN, 37-Carter, MON, 36-Bench, CIN,
29-Smith, L.A., 29-Baker, L.A., 28-Murcer, CHC,
27-Robinson, PIT, 26-Schmidt, PHL, 26-Dawson, MON,
25-Watson, HOU, 25-Valentine, MON

142-Foster, CIN, 121-Parker, PIT, 111-Bench, CIN,
104-Garvey, L.A., 103-Robinson, PIT,
102-Watson, HOU, 94-Murcer, CHC

20-Watson, HOU, 15-Rose, CIN, 15-Hernandez, STL,
13-Foster, CIN, 11-Valentine, MON, 11-Parker, PIT

98-Morgan, CIN, 89-Smith- L.A., 71-Griffey, CIN, 70-Lopes, L.A.,
68-Schmidt, PHL, 67-Ontiveros, CHC, 67-Cey, L.A.

19-7 Candelaria, PIT, 18-8 Hooton, L.A., 17-4 Seaver, CIN,
17-8 Carlton, PHL, 16-8 John, L.A., 16-9 Richard, HOU

2.18-Candelaria, PIT, 2.21-Richard, HOU, 2.90-Hooton, L.A.,
2.92-Seaver, CIN, 3.07-Forsch, STL

16-Hough, L.A., 16-Gossage, PIT, 14-Kerrigan, MON,
12-Sutter, CHC, 11-Garber, PHL, 10-Sambito, HOU

182-Carlton, PHL, 179-Richard, HOU, 169-Seaver, CIN,
161-Rogers, MON, 146-Hooton, L.A., 142-Candelaria, PIT

GET YOUR TEAM BREAKDOWNS RIGHT HERE! Per usual, here are PDFs of Team Hitting, Team Pitching, and Assorted Miscellany.

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Rebirth of the Cool Blue?

PHILADELPHIA—You know my Dodgers must’ve got back whatever they lost if Sutton wins us a game. Seriously, the guy’s been a garbage disposal in the middle of the roation for months now, and even after this one still has our worst starting ERA at 5.22. Continue reading

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We Bozos are Off This Bus

CLEVELAND—The last pitch thrown by Mark Littell to Larvell Blanks was probably an hour ago, and me and Friendly Fred have already hitched halfway to Buffalo. By now they must know we’ve split. Jetted. Vamooshed. Gone from that crazy bus faster than a college calculus class for spring break.

Sorry, Seamus, Lester, Sherman, Amy, Little Me and even you Sheila, but YOU’RE the ones who are crazy, following these horror movie pennant races around to their deadly ends. Right, Fred?

“Damn straight and a half, fool!” Continue reading

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The Rabid Dog Days of August

The fourth 100-degree day in a row blew two gaskets in the bus’ engine, so while I worked on the thing I got us a bunch of motel rooms somewhere in Jersey, wired the TVs into our Funkyland Express satellite feed and everyone got to see their teams in action at some point. Continue reading


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To Have and Have Not a Bullpen

Excuse the schmaltz, but it’s my anniversary this week…

Far from the distant sounds of organ music and crunched peanut shells, I held Sheila in my arms. The horrors of Bill Campbell had subsided for the time being, but my body was still bruised, my brain spent. Sheila, having endured no such pain with her Pirates on the triumphant end of another massacre, sympathized but could not share my grief. Continue reading

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