Monthly Archives: July 2010

Strangeness on a Train

We hitched our way to Phoenix by sunset, and we were so hot and disgusting Dr. Sheila sprung for one of those sleeping berth rooms on the Sunset Limited just so we could shower and sleep on our way to Houston. The room had a pull-down and pull-out bed and was about as big as a walk-in closet, so with the swaying of the train the bathroom door kept popping open and I caught a glimpse of her maroon panties when she was undressing in there. Hopefully more on that later. Continue reading


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The Indians Wanted the Bronx

When I woke up in this Cleveland hospital, the nurse asked me what my name was and it took me a good five days before I remembered it was Seamus Headley. I’ve had serious migraines for weeks, you see, and still have a crapload of pain in my lower back where I landed. Mostly I’ve just been laying here looking up at water spots on an asbestos ceiling, switching from soaps to local news to reruns of Mannix on the cheap-ass TV.

Those jackanapes at Patriot Act Inc. never tested their 5-D dice before handing them over to me and Doc Sheila, and now I have no clue where she went or if she even hooked up with Gip and the other nutcakes. She certainly isn’t a patient here. The other day I was half dozing and thought I saw Crazy Amy Gulliver staring into the room at me, but it could’ve just been a bad dream. I’ve had plenty of those since I got to ’77. Still, if Amy was checking in on me that could mean the rest of them aren’t far away, so I owe it to myself to eat my hospital slop and take my meds and get my behind out in the world soon as possible. I’m on a mission here of my own doing, and wasting my time here isn’t going to get it finished. Continue reading


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Thirsty for Water, Starved for Runs

Damn Sherman Wayman. Dragging me and Dr. Sheila and Little Me out to some wretched off-road spot in the desert that’s practically in Blythe, California, just so he can show us where Hannah “disappeared and was never found” on their hiking trip in 1976. Yeah, right. Like why the hell would two old people from L.A. be wandering in the desert unless they were looking for a burning bush or something? Continue reading

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When Funky Worlds Collide

In another installment of "Boozing with Bloggers," Dan Epstein and yours drooly at Frankie's on Melrose.

Sipping my tall Peroni draft at the bar of Frankie’s Restaurant, a legendary old world Italian spot hiding among the dainty bistros and hip clothing boutiques on Melrose Avenue, I turn my head and see my funky brother-in-arms Dan Epstein strolling into the room. (Truckin’?  Naw—too ’60s.) He orders what I’m having and within a minute of our conversation we’re connecting on the same cheesy baseball wavelength we deeply admire.

Dan is the author of Big Hair and Plastic Grass: A Funky Ride Through Baseball and America in the Swinging ’70s, and when I learned back in April the book was being published by St. Martin’s Press, I knew I had to meet this man eventually.  Dan has appropriately scrambled hair and excellent mutton chops, comes off like a vastly more coherent Jack Black, and before long we’re reminiscing about the homeliest ballparks we’ve been to, the worst uniforms we’ve seen, and the most insane fan promotion ideas ever conceived.  Basically, we discuss the 1970s. Continue reading


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Johnny Get Your Bat

SANDUSKY, OHIO—You won’t believe this but I snuck into the Cleveland hospital the other day where Seamus Headley’s been since his head accident the first day of this month. The guy makes my blood freeze but I did kind of get used to him sweeping around my bed back in Squallpocket and was actually starting to worry about him. An intern told me he’s still drugged up and at least a week from getting out, which is good, but I’m not sure I want to be the poor soul to come back and pick him up.

In case you’ve been wondering about old Crazy Amy here, I found a pretty nifty maintenance shack to live in underneath the Corkscrew roller coaster out at Cedar Point Amusement Park. It’s a little hard to sleep sometimes, but I’ve eaten well with all the scraps left around on tables, and picked up a little coin from my part-time toilet cleaner job on the other end of the park before my idiot boss fired me when he caught me smelling Drano. So now I’m living under their dumb noses and doing fine. Continue reading

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Good Thing the White Sox are Poopies

Hi. My name is Carlton Gip, and I’m five.  I am also on a big long car trip to some mystery place. Uncle Buzz and Aunt Sheila are nice and buy me hamburgers and milk shakes a lot. Sometimes a toy. But I am not sure all the time if they know where they think they are going. Mostly they just stop at small hotels that have bad beds sometimes with bugs. And Uncle Buzz listens or watches ball games meaning I never get to watch Scooby or Superfriends. Continue reading

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Stats, baby!

Getting close to July now, and various Reds hitters are asserting themselves, even if their pitchers aren’t. Home sour home: Twins are 9-23 at Met Stadium, Indians 9-25 at the lake, and Cubs 9-25 at Wrigley. Oddball stat of the year may be the Expos getting hit by only TWO pitches so far. Damn Canadians are just so likable, no one can throw at them.


1.060 Carew, MIN
1.006 Gamble, CHX
0.981 Yaz, BOS
0.972 Hisle, MIN
0.964 Hargrove, TEX
0.963 Thornton, CLE
0.951 Brett, KC
0.944 Jackson, NYY
0.920 Rice, BOS
0.913 Bostock, MIN

.424-Carew, MIN, .346-Bostock, MIN, .339-Brett, KC,
.339-Yaz, BOS, .331-Hisle, MIN, .326-Gamble, CHX

21-Harrah, TEX, 17-Yaz, BOS, 16-Evans, BOS,
15-Thornton, CLE, 15-Nettles, NYY, 15-Gamble, CHX

59-Harrah, TEX, 58-Rice, BOS, 56-Yaz, BOS,
56-Hisle, MIN, 53-McRae, KC, 49-Bostock, MIN

9-Piniella, NYY, 8-Murray, BAL, 7-Harrah, TEX, 7-Cowens, KC,
7-Hisle, MIN, 7-Brett, KC, 6-Yaz, BOS, 6-Evans, BOS

59-Hargrove, TEX, 44-Thornton, CLE, 43-Carbo, BOS,
40-Carew, MIN, 40-Harrah, TEX, 37-Evans, BOS

10-4 Palmer, BAL, 9-4 Leonard, KC, 7-2 Perry, TEX,
8-3 Gullett, NYY, 8-3 Kravec, CHX, 7-3 Jenkins, BOS

2.25 Leonard, KC, 2.79 Blyleven, TEX, 2.89 Guidry, NYY,
2.96 Splittorff, KC, 3.09 May, BAL, 3.13 Blyleven, TEX

12-Campbell, BOS, 7-Littell, K.C., 7-Lyle, NYY, 6-LaGrow, CHX,

106-Guidry, NY, 103-Perry, TEX, 98-Leonard, KC,
90-Eckersley, CLE, 89-Blyleven, TEX


1.103 Smith, L.A.
1.036 Parker, PIT
1.033 Foster, CIN
1.032 Bench, CIN
0.997 Carter, MON
0.981 Morgan, CIN
0.976 McBride, PHL
0.957 Baker, L.A.
0.954 Templeton, STL
0.953 Luzinski, PHL
0.950 Simmons, STl

.378-Templeton, STL, .376-Parker, PIT, .364-McBride, PHL,
.345-Simmons, STL, .342-Hernandez, STL, .333-Rose, CIN,
.331-Robinson, PIT, .329-Oliver, PIT

26-Bench, CIN, 25-Foster, CIN, 20-Carter, MON
16-Smith, L.A., 16-Cey, L.A., 14-Valentine, MON

77-Foster, CIN, 68-Bench, CIN, 63-Watson, HOU, 59-Parker, PIT,
54-Simmons, STL, 54-Griffey, CIN, 53-Robinson, PIT, 53-Murcer, CHC

9-Watson, HOU, 8-Foster, CIN, 8-Rose, CIN, 7-Parker, PIT

47-Smith- L.A., 47-Morgan, CIN, 43-Lopes, L.A.,
40-Schmidt, PHL, 35-Rose, CIN, 35-Cey, L.A.

10-4 Candelaria, PIT, 9-2 Seaver, CIN, 9-2 Lonborg, PHL,
8-4 Richard, HOU, 8-4 Sutton, L.A., 8-4 John, L.A.

2.10-Richard, HOU, 1.88-Candelaria, PIT, 2.79-Carlton, PHL
2.84-Forsch, STL, 2.87-Seaver, CIN

9-Sambito, HOU, 8-Hough, L.A., 8-Kerrigan, MON,
8-Sutter, CHC, 8-Gossage, PIT, 8-Garber, PHL

92-Carlton, PHL, 81-Rogers, MON, 78-Richard, HOU,
77-Seaver, CIN, 77-Resuchel, CHC

GET YOUR TEAM BREAKDOWNS RIGHT HERE! Per usual, here are PDFs of Team Hitting, Team Pitching, and Assorted Miscellany. Your new NL team OPS leaders, the Cincinnati Reds!


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