Leave the gun. Take the hot dog.

BOSTON—Friendly Fred was going to write the game report today, but he was so stupidly happy about the result his words sounded like hailstones on a roof, so I’ll fill in.  Better yet, here’s Mikey Spano, straight from the Cinema of Little Italy…

* * *

“So Johnny, did you take care of that thing for me?”

“Sure did, boss. Every last one of ’em. Startin’ with Looie the Fat Cuban.”

“Oh yeah? Tell me how it went down. Humor me.”

“The Yanks had themselves a splatter party, that’s what. Reggie and Nettles went back-to-back off Tiant right away, Nettles doubled in two more in the 2nd and them Sox were stumblin’ around not lookin’ too good.”

“Then what happened?”

“What happened with what?”

“With the game, you moron!”

“Oh yeah. So Little Mickey tripled to start the 3rd, On-Base Roy doubled, Even Littler Willie singled and that was it for the Cuban. You won’t see him no more. Anyways from there it got kinda bad.”

“I do hope you mean bad for them.”

“Hey, I ain’t exactly cryin’ here.  The only time we didn’t score was the 4th, and if anybody in the league had a way to get Carl the Hall of Fame Polack out—he got three more hits and another homer—we might’ve shut out these creeps. As it is they put that long-haired, pot-smokin pitcher in after we already had eleven runs, whatshisname…the Space Clown!”

“You mean Bill Lee?”

“Yeah, whatever. The screwball with the screwball. I told the boys to work ’em over and they just about choked him with his own jock. Chambliss with a 3-run smash in the 8th, then a single, a walk, Reggie and Nettles back to back for the second time in the game in the 9th, and we shoved eight more runs right in his hippie puss. Thirty-two hits, boss, they moided ’em!!”

“Nice piece of job, Johnny. Now do me a big favor. After the Yanks get shut out on three hits by Jim Colborn and the Royals at the Stadium Tuesday, break their freakin’ legs.”

NYY 322 022 382 -24 32 3
BOS 100 100 011 – 4 9 0

W-Torrez (CG!) L-Tiant HRS: Jackson-2, Nettles-2, Chambliss, Piniella, Yaz, Evans GWRBI-Jackson

The Buzz Line

at INDIANS 3-6-1, ORIOLES 2-5-0
ORIOLES 9-11-0, at INDIANS 2-7-2
Second straight time the Birds don’t hit for Palmer, but this time he loses on a Thornton 2-run shot in the 1st and a Grubb scoring single in the 3rd. Except for a Lee May solo homer, Eck mops the floor with Baltimore. In Game 2, Fitzmorris outsucks McGregor, Singleton and Murray launch 3-run bombs, and the Orioles get a big split.

RANGERS 3-7-1, at WHITE SOX 2-6-1
RANGERS 5-11-2, at WHITE SOX 2-6-3
Whoa boy. Texas is suddenly a game and a half out of first and breathing down K.C.’s neck. Campaneris’ 9th inning single off Kravec makes Ellis a winner in the opener, and Devine walks no one in a complete game win the nightcap.  Helping him out are Wills and Sundberg, on base eight out of ten times at the top of the lineup.

ROYALS 6-11-1, at TWINS 5-10-1
at TWINS 11-16-0, ROYALS 6-11-0
The Kansas City Treadmills are at it again, inching out a first game win despite Splittorff blowing their 4-1 lead, then doing a total face plant later as Gura, Mingori and Bird can get practically no one out. With Boston losing the Royals are just one game out again, but with their thin, erratic pitching, betting on these guys to pull off another hot run is a big risk.

at PHILLIES 8-17-0, REDS 7-12-1
Not sure if the great Sparky Anderson’s sad passing has been whipping bad karma on them, but Cincy suffers only their second losing week in the last 13. With Sarmiento unavailable after yesterday’s marathon, Hume, Fryman and Borbon take the reins from the ravaged Paul Moskau, fall behind 6-4 in the 7th, go ahead 7-6 on a Griffey sac fly in the 9th, only to have Pedro lose it again on a McBride double, pitcher error and singles by Hebner and McCarver.

PIRATES 5-12-1, at EXPOS 3-6-0 (13 innings)
PIRATES 8-10-1, at EXPOS 5-9-0
Two thrillers in one! Dawson and Valentine begin each game with solo shots, first off Rooker, then off Forster. The Bucs battle back twice, the first time with two runs in the 9th and a winning pinch Gonzalez double in the 13th, the second time on two Stargell homers before he goes out for two games later, then an Oliver 3-run smash off Kerrigan in the top of the 9th. Pittsburgh’s just a half game back again, the first team to hit 70 wins, and they welcome Houston to town as the Phillies get St. Louis.

CARDS 3-11-1, at CUBS 2-7-0
CARDS 13-22-3, at CUBS 8-10-0
And on that note, St. Louis snaps out of its doldrums with a surprisingly tight win over Ray Burris, followed by a comical Lamp-P. Resuchel-Moore-Hernandez-Todd clown parade in the closing act.

ASTROS 6-9-0, at DODGERS 5-8-0
And we close Sunday’s action with maybe the worst Dodger loss of the year. Sutton’s given a 5-1 lead thanks to a wild Joe Niekro and 3-run Garvey blast, but as usual, can’t hold it. Cesar Cedeno, a serious disappointment all year, picks a fine time to double, walk, steal a base and whack a game-winning 3-run shot off a Hough knuckleball in the top of the 9th—on a 1-3 roll (15% chance). Anyway, it’s the Astros’ first winning week since the end of June.

One for the American League, one for the National League. Check out those galloping Rangers, re-climbing Orioles and free-falling Reds!

American League through Sunday, August 17

Boston 66 52 .559
Kansas City 67 55 .549 1
Texas 66 55 .545 1.5
New York 64 55 .538 2.5
Baltimore 62 59 .512 5.5
Cleveland 54 68 .443 14
Chicago 52 68 .433 15
Minnesota 50 69 .420 16.5

National League through Sunday, August 17

Philadelphia 69 49 .585
Pittsburgh 70 51 .579 0.5
Los Angeles 65 53 .551 4
Cincinnati 65 55 .542 5
St. Louis 63 57 .525 7
Houston 53 68 .438 17.5
Montreal 50 69 .420 19.5
Chicago 43 76 .361 26.5


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2 responses to “Leave the gun. Take the hot dog.

  1. The Yanks didn’t clear the bench? No brushbacks and fights after the 8-spot in the 8th? It sounded like a perfect time to get a few ABs for Zeber, Alston and Healy.

    I remember one day playing a game with the 76 Indians and they got 4 runs on 22 hits. They hit into 7 DPs and left the sack packed 3 times.

    • My super-advanced brawl chart was never triggered, and the Yanks have had so much horrible luck they relished the chance to run up the score.

      Nice Indians game! I gather they lost 5-4?

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