In honor of Independence Day, 1977, and the season’s non-official halfway point, I thought I’d let our diverse cast of characters report in from their scattered doubleheader locations. Take it away, peoples!
DODGERS 9-14-0, at CUBS 3-11-1
DODGERS 14-20-0, at CUBS 2-7-1
by Sherman Wayman: Drove Gip’s rent-a-car all the way to Chicago here, his little kid who looks just like him whining the whole way, and thank God I had money to buy him hamburgers and shut him up. Anyway, it’s been worth it because my Dodgers took double advantage of the wind blowing out of Wrigley by wiping the field with the Cubs like brown mustard on a kaiser roll. Reggie Smith socked three out of the park, Hooton and Rhoden got the wins and here’s what the two Cubbie starters did for the day:
Renko–one and two-thirds IP, 9 hits, 2 homers knocked out trailing 7-0
Lamp–one and two-thirds IP, 8 hits, 2 homers knocked out trailing 7-0
Nine straight Dodger wins makes it a big party for me, but then Gip’s kid had to go play hooky on me halfway through the second game, and now I gotta go find the little noodnik in the city of Chicago. Oy…
at REDS 5-11-0, PIRATES 0-4-2
at REDS 2-7-0, PIRATES 0-3-2
by Crazy Amy Gulliver: I did like I said would, kneed old Seamus in the nutcakes and left him somewhere near Fountain Square last night. I’m sure he was back at Riverfront here looking for me, but I bought a Reds sweatshirt and goofy hat and found some shade to sit in and keep my eye out for him. Meanwhile Seaver and Soto undress the Bucs like they’re a team of Charlie Browns, and Cincy takes over first place without hitting one homer! I love these guys, Plummer or no Plummer.
at PHILLIES 9-9-1, EXPOS 1-4-0
at PHILLIES 7-6-0, EXPOS 6-14-0
by Mikey Spano (1982-2010-1977): Yeah I know, I’m supposed to be dead and all, and I guess I am because I fell into the Royals Stadium fountain and drowned a month and a half ago, but with my Phils playing this good I’m gonna watch the goddamn games if I have to hover over the outfield every day. Which is what I did for the Fourth. Expos lead the opener 1-0, before Schmitty and the Bull go yard in the 6th, Johnstone adds a bomb the next inning and then six more score in the 8th. We’re down 3-0 in Game 2 thanks to Randy Doofus Lerch, but Ozark has the good sense to yank him for Brusstar, and we take the lead on a Davey Johnson salami off Schatzeder in the 5th. Carter then bombs a 3-run shot in the 8th, but the Bull does it again, winning both ends of the twinbill with a 2-run shot off Kerrigan. Devo-stating! What’s that? Shit, gotta drift away again…
ASTROS 6-9-0, at CARDS 4-11-4
at CARDS 5-14-1, ASTROS 4-4-2 (10 innings)
by Lester: I am beginning to enjoy my aimless midwest drifting, following whichever one of my teams I want. Did you know I have a 31.25% chance of seeing one of my favorite clubs each day? Well, today I had two at once, always a bit confusing, and the Astros and Cards are 5-5 with each other and always seem to play close games. As they do here at Busch. Game 1 is neck-and-neck, filled with sloppy St. Louis fielding and many unforseeable events. Like Gene Pentz outpitching Bob Forsch. Like Tony Scott returning from a very long injury and going out for three more games in his first at bat. Like Roger Freed taking right field for him and cracking a triple and homer. Like Jose Cruz finally winning it with a two-run shot in the 8th. Bannister and Falcone are both their usual awful in the nightcap, but the Cards have to squeak out the win in extras on a Templeton single, despite outhitting Houston 14-4.
RED SOX 11-9-1, at INDIANS 3-6-0
at INDIANS 4-10-0, RED SOX 1-2-0
by Buzz Gip: So Peachy drops us at the Cleveland hospital yesterday, where we find out that Seamus flew the coop. Hello Motel 6, along with a Boston-Tribe doubleheader to pass the time while we think of yet another next move. Sheila sits in the packed grandstand with me, but I can’t tell if she’s distracted about Seamus’ disappearance or her Pirates being blanked twice in Cincinnati. Anyway, the first game is your basic Boston bombing mission, with Rice, Lynn and Yaz going deep off Bibby and Buskey. None other than Al Fitzmorris stifles the Sox later, with Grubb homering in the 1st off Paxton and driving in three.
TWINS 13-18-0, at WHITE SOX 2-7-3
at WHITE SOX 3-8-0, TWINS 2-7-0
Carlton Gip (age 5): I ran away from Fake Grandpa at the Cubs baseball game and got lost in the street. A cab driver put me in his car and when I said what happened he took me to a different baseball game with different teams in the same city. I liked this one better because they had a real shower going out in the sunny seats and I put my head under a lot of times and it was fun. The people out there booed for the whole first game and cheered in the second one. A player named Caroo kept getting good hits and I heard his hitting number is .425 now. Bye.
RANGERS 6-16-0, at ROYALS 4-12-1
at ROYALS 10-12-0, RANGERS 7-15-0
by Ed “Peachy” Calhoun: Never did like sister-kissers, but what the heck, two out of three in this scorching turf pit is pretty darn good. Dock Ellis runs into two bad innings but gets us home free after we beat up Colborn in the opener, Willie Horton driving in the winner in the 7th. Devine’s been pretty solid in spot starts all year, but he throws like a crippled squirrel in Game 2, coughing up a 2-0 lead, then giving Cowens a grand slam to kick off a seven-run 4th. Doug Bird is left in the whole game for them and survives after losing most of his feathers.
YANKEES 11-12-1, at ORIOLES 6-12-1
YANKEES 7-12-1, at ORIOLES 1-7-1
by Friendly Fred: Now THAT’s what I’m talkin’ about! Yanks with the gloves, Yanks with the bats, Yanks with the balls to get them two games out of first! My Man Reggie with the game-winners in both games, Piniella with six hits, El Figueroa and Tidrow with the big-ass hurls. Look out, K.C. and you Beaneaters, ’cause the bombin’ Yanks are finally over your ‘hood!
American League through Friday, July 4
National League through Friday, July 4