DR. GROSSINGER’S REPORT:
Flying down to Johns Hopkins to meet with colleague regarding Mr. Gip’s unfortunate incident last night: assaulted in his sleep and knocked unconscious by bed 14 patient Spano. Mr. Spano was apparently out to rob Mr. Gip of his fictitious “4-D dice,” and has been transferred up to Chronic and Severe for minor electro-shock therapy. Mr. Gip’s injuries are not serious, and he should return to the ward in a few days.
* * *
Nice to meet you folks. I’m Sherman from Bed 11. Sherman Wayman from L.A. if you just have to know. Been a Dodger fan since they were in the Coliseum and could tell you Wally Moon’s birthday for crying out loud. It’s April 3rd, and did you hear the one about the horse doctor who wouldn’t eat his wife’s casserole?
Anyway, that Gip character with the baseball league and the crazy one from Philly got into it in the middle of the night and they shipped them out for a few days, so now the rest of us can get some peace and quiet around here, thank God.
But guess what I find under Gip’s bed this morning? Would you believe those meshugginah dice of his? I was going to wait till tonight to throw the things, but to hell with that idea. It’s an outrage they put me in here in the first place. I’ve missed 42,444 box scores since they ruined my life, and need to get to a ball game quick before I plotz.
Okay, I laid out all the cards here under my blanket. Not a lot of room for dice-throwing, but here goes nothing…
Game of the Days
BOSTON—I wouldn’t watch Arnie Palmer golf in this weather, and it’s hard to sit in the stands without Vinny on somebody’s radio nearby, but I’ll survive. Pudge Fisk is back in the Red Sox lineup, even though Evans is out for this game, but that means nothing because they got Flanagan all fercockt right out of the gate. Fisk got moved down to the 5th spot with Carbo second because of Evans being out, says the four-eyed kid with the scorebook next to me, and he doubles to start a rally that ties the game 1-1 in the 2nd. Then Boomer Scott takes over with a booming tater in the 3rd and it’s 2-1 home guys. Don Aase isn’t painting any masterpiece either because Singleton doubles and Dave Skaggs singles him in to re-tie the game in the 6th.
But Scott re-taters, this one clearing the net above the fence next to the flagpole, and it’s 5-2 Sox. Then it’s 5-4 after two singles, a scoring double play and a Singleton homer. Then Tommy Helms (Remember him from the Reds? I once saw Drysdale undress him with inside heaters till he was standing up there in his jockstrap.) pinch-hits with the bases fat and singles in two to make it 7-4. Aase then gives up a triple to DeCinces and two singles and Stanley comes on to bail him out with a DP ball.
So Boston’s got this guy Bill “Soup” Campbell as their bullpen big-shot, but so far this year he’s been throwing nothing but matzo balls. Well, Bumbry whacks his first pitch for a double down in the corner and Elliot Maddox, filling in for injured Pat Kelly, golfs one into the net with his 9-iron and we’re all tied 7-7 and chowderheads on all sides of me are calling Campbell a putz and a schmuck and a shmendrick and other words I can’t even spell it’s so bad. The game drags into extra innings, McGregor and Campbell wearing their arms out, until Rick Wise is forced to take over in the 14th, and —that’s all, folks—grooves a homer ball to DeCinces leading off the 15th. Tippy Martinez gives out a two-out Fisk double but Hobson, who collects whiffs like my wife collected bargain bras down at Bullock’s, strikes out to end this tragedy of a debacle.
BAL 100 001 212 000 001 – 8 17 0
BOS 011 003 200 000 000 – 7 15 0
W-T. Martinez L-Wise HRS: Singleton, Maddox, DeCinces, Scott-2 GWRBI-DeCinces
at YANKEES 9-12-0, INDIANS 1-4-1
Guidry steamrolls the Tribe one day, Gullett the next. Oy. I better keep these dice and cards away from Friendly Fred, that Yankee-fan boy from Harlem on the other side of the room. Because he’s crazy.
W-Gullett L-Garland HRS: Bochte, Dent GWRBI-Jackson
EXPOS 9-11-0, at PIRATES 5-6-1
Start a lefty against this Montreal team and you’re asking for it, and the problem with the Bucs is they have three of them in their rotation. Dawson, Parrish, Carter and Valentine go 6-for-10 and knock in eight runs off Rooker in the first four innings before the lousy Demery takes over and mows them down. And Stennett goes out with a week-long injury, which doesn’t help.
W-Rogers L-Rooker HRS: Carter, Valentine
at ASTROS 13-12-2, CUBS 6-12-2
My dead bubbie could pitch better than Bill Bonham does here for the Cubs, and Broberg, Moore and Lamp come on to take turns taking ones for the team.
W-Lemongello L-Bonham HR: Cedeno GWRBI-Puhl
* * *
What’s this? Another whole day of games I can talk about? Okay, twist my damn arm…
at ROYALS 5-8-0, WHITE SOX 3-7-1
K.C. hasn’t lost at home yet, and this was one big lebowski. The Royals get three in the 1st on four singles and some other junk, Chicago ties it in the 8th and a Cowens walk and Brett double get the winning two-run rally soon after. Littell relieves Splitorff, gets the win, and we got a pair of sardines at the top of the A.L.
W-Littell L-Stone GWRBI-McRae
TWINS 7-13-0, at RANGERS 3-11-1
There’s this rumor that some kind priest set up shop in the Minnesota clubhouse. Well, whatever hex he came up with must’ve worked because they finally take their first game after giving away seven. Carew with four hits and a walk, hitting .471 so far, and after Texas ties it in the 6th, Larry Hisle doubles in the go-ahead run off Dock Ellis. Gary Serum goes three and two-thirds of relief for the win, and I imagine they’re feeling better up in Minnesota right now, in case they’re not on the other side of the world.
W-Serum L-Ellis HR-Adams GWRBI-Hisle
ORIOLES 5-9-1, at RED SOX 3-8-0 (12 innings)
In Boston, though? Nothing but ulcers. With Campbell tied up and gagged in the bullpen, Cleveland goes into the 12th before giving up three hits and the game. Didn’t this Jim Rice make the Hall of Fame or something? Anyway after nine games batting cleanup he hasn’t driven in one run. Just thought I’d tell ya.
W-Grimsley L-Cleveland HR: Scott GWRBI-B. Smith
INDIANS 7-14-1, at YANKEES 4-7-0 (10 innings)
Don’t know about you, but I sure wouldn’t want to run into these Indians in a stadium alley. Down 4-2 in the 9th, they mug Figueroa for two runs, then beat up Lyle for three more in the 10th, the winner coming on a single by that little fella Kuiper. Yanks could only split six with the Tribe, and now head up to Fenway for their first meeting of 22 against their favorite team.
W-Kern L-Lyle HRS: JAckson, Nettles GWRBI-Kuiper
EXPOS 5-8-0, at PIRATES 4-10-1
Jerry Reuss? Another lefty? Whaddya, nuts? Montreal’s in first, and they better enjoy it while they can.
W-Twitchell L-Reuss HR: Fregosi GWRBI-Carter
at REDS 10-9-2, PHILLIES 9-9-1
So Hebner hits a grand slam in the 1st, Luzinski hits his first of the year three innings later, Downtown Ollie Brown hits a pinch-hit 2-run job in the 8th, and the Phils rake Seaver for nine runs on nine hits. And you actually think they won? We’re discussing the Phillies here, people. Meaning Concepcion hits a grand slam off Christenson, Bench and Driessen also homer and Pete Stinkin’ Rose ends it with a wallop off Tug McGraw in the last of the 9th. Didn’t think any team could make the Twins look good but Philly’s got a leg up.
W-Seaver L-McGraw, HRS: Hebner, Luzinski, Brown, Driessen, Concepcion, Bench, Rose GWRBI Rose
CUBS 6-7-1, at ASTROS 5-11-3
After Joe Niekro’s super first start he walks nine Cubbies in this one, five in the first inning. Houston ties it up off Burris eventually, but Ontiveros wins it with a solo pop in the 9th.
W-Sutter L-K. Forsch HR-Ontiveros GWRBI-Ontiveros
at DODGERS 7-14-0, CARDS 0-4-1
Now we’re talking, folks! Sutton can’t be touched in the opener, and Dusty continues his hot hitting.
About time we played a perfect game.
W-Sutton L-Rasmussen HRS: Baker, Smith GWRBI-Cey
CARDS 8-12-0, at DODGERS 1-6-1
Shoot me now and hang me later. We lose to washed-up Larry Dierker? An outrage, I tell you! A scandal! And did you hear the one about the horse doctor with kidney stones?
W-Dierker L-Sosa HRS: McBride, Simmons GWRBI-Hernandez
American League through Tuesday, April 22
National League through Tuesday, April 22