Because I asked them nicely and it’s hard for me to control them, Funkyball’s cast of characters has taken time out from their busy 1977 schedule and anxiety attacks to offer prognostications for the 2010 World Series. The following no-table discussion was captured the other day on a portable Phillips stereo cassette recorder, halfway between the Astrodome and Arlington Stadium.
SHERMAN WAYMAN: Is this thing on? Okay, well, you’d probably see me getting one of those sex changes and becoming an Avon lady before I’d ever root for a Giants team, so count me in for Texas, even though there’s probably about ten people from my tribe living down there. That Cliff Lee is throwing like a reborn Koufax, and he won’t be taking off any starts for Yom Kippur, either. Rangers in three. Was this thing recording?
AMY GULLIVER (from pay phone outside Hopkinsville, KY): You better shut your yap there, Sherman. I was born in San Fran and was a huge Ed Halicki and Mike Sadek fan until Daddy ran off and we had to move back east. So I’m saying Giants all the way, and right into into their champagne shower. Plus that Buster Posey can leave his shoes under my bed any time.
LESTER: Naturally I would prefer my Cubs or my Cards or my Twins or my White Sox or my Royals in the Fall Classic, but I’m more than happy with the two entries that made it. The Rangers have to be favored, not only due to their triple slash line of .276/.338/.419, but their 65.5 GORP, their –39 FLAZ, and their massive +SNARK rating of almost 750!
On the other hand the Giants throw strikes and hit homers, so I’m picking them in six.
CARLTON GIP, AGE 5: I don’t know who the players on the teams are so I don’t care, and they put on the games too late for me to watch them. That’s too bad because sometimes the commercials are funny even though they repeat the same ones over and over. If the Baseball President wants other kids my age to watch they should think about playing some games on sunny days. I’m picking the Rangers because I like cowboys more than monster giants.
DR. SHEILA GROSSINGER: It is likely too early to make an informed diagnosis, but I would offer that the San Francisco club must be feeling far more confident and self-aware due to being forced to win their concluding league championship game in the more hostile environment of Philadelphia, whereas the Texas club had the advantage of being victorious in front of their supportive fan base, which in my experience makes the Giants slightly favored emotionally. In addition, the San Francisco relief pitchers’ insistence on masking their game pressure anxieties behind Rasputin-like facial hair shows a remarkable knack for independence of fashion and survival.
ED “PEACHY” CALHOUN: Yee-ha! I was there watching ‘em that first season in Arlington in ’72. Dick Billings and Lenny Randle and Joe Lovitto and Bill Gogolewski and Jim Shellenback and Casey Cox and man alive did we ever stink up that field. Make ‘em proud, boys!!
FRIENDLY FRED: Giants, yo! Think I’m pickin’ those Texas fools after they made my Yanks look sick and old like that? I wanna see My Man Kung Fu Panda pinch-hit a line drive piece of shark bait right into McCovey Cove, and hippie freak goth-man Lincecum could smoke Big Daddy Vladdy with the rest of his eyes closed. Frisco in five, and stay alive!
MIKEY SPANO: You messin’ with me, Fred? Are you even insinicating that I might go for the Giants because I’m a National League chump? What subway stop do you get off? Those San Fran Fairies were just plain lucky that my Phils left their bats home, and that Utley thought he was Steve Sax, and that Manuel got his pants managed off by Bochy of all people. The Trangers are going to shave off those NoCal dork-beards like there’s no tomorrow. Which there isn’t.
SEAMUS HEADLEY: I don’t follow baseball closely enough to make a fair prediction, growing up watching hockey and arena football, and I’ve been too damn busy shuttling us around 1977 to even think about how these 2010 guys are gonna make out, but if you put a Walther p99 to my head I guess I’d settle on the Rangers because Cliff Lee is as calm and cool an assassin as I’d ever be likely to rendezvous with.
BUZZ GIP: Being a Red Sox fan, it’s tough to root against the American League, and the way Texas dispatched with the Yankees was wicked impressive if you ask me. But this Giants team has been sprinkled with magic dust for weeks now. They almost remind me of the ’69 Mets, except with more power. The Rangers have a potentially vicious attack, but they’re in the bigger, colder ball park for maybe four of the games, and lose the DH in those games. Vlad Guerrero playing the huge AT&T outfield, especially if it’s a wet one, could be a disaster. I see Lee winning both of his starts, but Bochy and his deeper Giants bullpen prevailing in a handful of close contests. Things have just been going underdog San Francisco’s way, and since I’m certifiably crazy, I’ll crawl out on my limb and pick the Giants in seven fantastic games.
Thanks for listening to us!