Night of the American League Dead

BOSTON—Seamus was afraid to re-route the bus to Memphis to keep Amy from messing up Elvis history, so today he showed me the controls, jumped ship and rented a car to drive down there himself. Personally, I don’t know what the big deal is if the King survives. Worse comes to worse he plays a few hundred more gigs in Vegas and probably gets a reality show at some point. It ain’t like the Clash and U2 aren’t gonna happen.

The thing that I’m scared of is this ghastly day of American League play by the front-runners. Like foul inhabitants of second division Hades, their vastly inferior tormentors crawled from their red clay tombs, sweat oozing from pores, razor-sharp hits spilling off their bats. Horrified fans fled to the exits as the clocks struck midnight, still shaking and shivering, feeble words of comfort echoing from their mouths…”It’s only a ball game…only a ball game…”

It’s Now or Never

MEMPHIS—Well, I finally got here. Only took two buses, some hitching and the last train to Clarksville. Had supper in a pretty yummy barbeque place, then walked the last mile down Elvis Presley Boulevard to Graceland.

Predictions from the Peanut Gallery

Because I asked them nicely and it’s hard for me to control them, Funkyball’s cast of characters has taken time out from their busy 1977 schedule and anxiety attacks to offer prognostications for the 2010 World Series. The following no-table discussion was captured the other day on a portable Phillips stereo cassette recorder, halfway between the Astrodome and Arlington Stadium.

Texas Two-Step of Terror

By Ed “Peachy” Calhoun
Sports Reporter
Jewett Babbler

Been a fair amount of time since I had reason to talk to you folks, but as long as I’m along for this crazy ride with the crazies, might as well fill y’all in on the two games in my home state, both which we managed to get to. Good old Seamus Headley, see, he got some special news yesterday from his employers up in the future time, that my Rangers are going to the World Series! Well if that ain’t a two-headed hen, ’cause I never thought I’d see that day.

Back in the Hood, Inside my Hood

NEW YORK—Friendly Fred in yo face again, first time in town since the lights went out and the Bronx burned. Nice of my man Seamus to zap us to the last Yank showdown with the Boston Chowderasses, ’cause I know there’s a bigger piece of business on his mind. Yeah yeah, that crazy-ass Amy girl split the scene to stake out Elvis Presley’s crib, but damn, we still got pennant races to watch, and why should I care about some fat, bling-wearin’, soon-to-be-wormfood white dude who made millions robbing the black man’s music? Tutti frutti this, sucker!

Stat Geek Time

Dog days are upon us, and Rod Carew has dropped into the mortal range of .300 hitters.  Naturally he’s just one point above .388, his true average that year, a feat that Strat seems to magically pull off with regularity. The same cannot be said for Cesar Cedeno (.223, with only 32 RBIs), Graig Nettles (.221) and Eddie Murray (10 homers), all deep in their own personal dog days since April.  Yaz and Parker/Foster are still in the MVP running, while Palmer/Leonard/Perry/Jenkins/Blyleven is making for a fierce Cy Young battle in the AL, with Carlton/Candelaria/Seaver wrestling for the trophy in the NL.

Extraneous numbers: Minnesota is a respectable 29-30 on the road, a putrid 16-36 at home…Harrah leads both leagues in getting plunked, 14 times.  Rice has 11 HBP, while Fisk and Schmidt have 8 apiece…Boston is dead set on winning a pennant without stealing one base all year…Surprising leader in team shutouts are the Reds, with 10…Not surprisingly, the Cubs have thrown the least with 2…Reds have also turned the most double plays in the NL, 138, while the Twins lead the AL with 146.  Probably has to do with all the people they put on base.

AL LEADERS

OPS
1.057 Carbo, BOS (in 294 AB)
1.004 Gamble, CHX
1.003 Carew, MIN
0.970 Thornton, CLE
0.958 Yaz, BOS
0.950 Bostock, MIN
0.949 Brett, KC
0.934 Hargrove, TEX
0.931 Hisle, MIN
0.923 Fisk, BOS
0.902 Singleton, BAL

BATTING AVG
.389-Carew, MIN, .359-Bostock, MIN, .330-Yaz, BOS,
.333-Brett, KC, .324-Munson, NYY, .327-Hisle, MIN,
.317-Cowens, KC, .316-Hargrove, TEX, .312-Gamble, CHX, .311-Singleton, BAL

HOMERS
29-Gamble, CHX, 27-Carbo, BOS, 26-Yaz, BOS,
25-Harrah, TEX, 24-Thornton, CLE, 24-Evans, BOS,
24-Fisk, BOS, 23-Jackson, NYY

RBIs
89-Jackson, NYY, 87-Hisle, 86-Rice, BOS, MIN,
83-Yaz, BOS, 80-Thornton, CLE

GWRBIs
13-Brett, KC, 11-Cowens, KC, 11-Yaz, BOS, 10-Piniella, NYY,
10-Murray, BAL, 10-SIngleton, BAL, 10-Harrah, TEX

WALKS
93-Hargrove, TEX, 67-Carbo, BOS, 64-Thornton, CLE,
63-Harrah, TEX, 58-Fisk, BOS, 58-Singleton, BAL

WINS
16-4 Perry, TEX, 16-8 Palmer, BAL, 14-6 Figueroa, NYY,
14-7 Leonard, KC, 13-3 Jenkins, BOS, 12-7 Guidry, NYY

E.R.A.
2.68 Leonard, KC, 2.81 Blyleven, TEX,
3.00 Guidry, NYY, 3.25 Palmer, BAL

SAVES
18-Campbell, BOS, 11-Kern, CLE, 12-Littell, K.C.,
9-Lyle, NYY, 9-LaGrow, CHX

STRIKEOUTS
17-Leonard, KC, 165-Perry, TEX, 159-Guidry, NY,
159-Blyleven, TEX, 150-Eckersley, CLE

NL LEADERS

OPS
1.098 Smith, L.A.
1.043 Foster, CIN
1.039 Parker, PIT
0.983 Stargell, PIT
0.978 Bench, CIN
0.973 Simmons, STL
0.969 Carter, MON
0.942 McBride, PHL
0.921 Baker, L.A.
0.918 Robinson, PIT
0.906 Luzinski, PHL

BATTING AVG
.371-Parker, PIT, .363-Templeton, STL, .360-Simmons, STL,
.357-McBride, PHL, .333-Hernandez, STL, .326-Robinson, PIT,
.321-Rose, CIN,.312-Valentine, MON, .308-Foster, CIN

HOMERS
47-Foster, CIN, 35-Bench, CIN, 33-Carter, MON, 27-Murcer, CHC,
26-Smith, L.A., 25-Baker, L.A., 24-Schmidt, PHL, 24-Luzinski, PHL,
23-Watson, HOU, 23-Robinson, PIT

RBIs
133-Foster, CIN, 102-Bench, CIN, 105-Parker, PIT, 88-Watson, HOU,
92-Robinson, PIT, 89-Garvey, L.A., 86-Murcer, CHC

GWRBIs
15-Watson, HOU, 15-Rose, CIN, 14-Hernandez, STL,
13-Foster, CIN, 10-Valentine, MON, 10-Luzinski, PHL

WALKS
88-Morgan, CIN, 80-Smith- L.A., 61-Griffey, CIN, 61-Schmidt, PHL,
61-Lopes, L.A., 59-Ontiveros, CHC, 58-Cey, L.A., 56-Rose, CIN,

WINS
17-6 Candelaria, PIT, 16-3 Seaver, CIN, 16-7 Hooton, L.A.,
15-6 Carlton, PHL, 15-6 John, L.A., 13-8 Richard, HOU

E.R.A.
2.00-Candelaria, PIT, 2.43-Richard, HOU, 2.64-Seaver, CIN,
2.90-Hooton, L.A., 2.95-Carlton, PHL, 3.03-Forsch, STL

SAVES
15-Hough, L.A., 12-Gossage, PIT, 12-Kerrigan, MON,
11-Garber, PHL, 10-Sambito, HOU

STRIKEOUTS
152-Carlton, PHL, 152-Richard, HOU, 149-Rogers, MON,
144-Seaver, CIN, 123-Hooton, L.A., 118-Candelaria, PIT

GET YOUR TEAM BREAKDOWNS RIGHT HERE! Per usual, here are PDFs of Team Hitting, Team Pitching, and Assorted Miscellany.

Last Train Out of Riverfront

SOUTH OF CINCINNATI—I’m really not a complicated girl. I mean, I got issues just like your annoying sister-in-law or seventh grade gym teacher, and yeah I tend to stick on a guy and follow him around until I get arrested, but it’s part of the simple rules I got growing up. Meaning figure out what you want and go after it like a rabid dog, else you won’t go nowhere in life.

So when Sherman accidentally reminded me that Elvis only had a little over a week to live, you bet your bunion I was going to try and save him this time around. My mom keeled over and croaked when she heard the news on the TV back in real ’77. I found out later she was at the counter making sweet potatoes, and I was in my room with my Etch-a-Sketch and was wondering why she went to sleep on the floor.  I started having troubles after that and one thing led to another, but I did end up with all her Elvis albums and 45s and memorized lyrics for almost every one.

Strictly Busch League

ST. LOUIS–Everyone was in a big nutty tizzy because Crazy Amy bolted on us yesterday. Buzz and Dr. Sheila are positive she’s headed for Memphis to keep Elvis Presley from killing himself, but Seamus is afraid to make any detours that would get us off track with the pennant race-watching. Meanwhile, the Cubs and Cardinals fans in me just wanted to get to Busch to see more of our great rivalry, and also to see if St. Louis could keep up their red-hot ways. Good thing Seamus was driving the bus.

Crazy Amy has Left the Building

CLEVELAND–Let’s get to the ball games first, and why everyone hates me even more. The Eck mowed down my Red Sox on Tuesday, but on Wednesday and Thursday the boys pull out their voodoo dice and resume scoring in their sleep like they’ve done all year. In between the FIVE homers they hit off Wayne Garland, they get four 8-rolls (40% chance) and two 7s (35%) to keep every rally going. The Tribe manage three taters , two off Wise and one off Soup Campbell, but it isn’t enough.

Left-Wingers Diatribe

PITTSBURGH—Mikey’s Phils are tied with Dr. Sheila’s Bucs for first place, and all we get is a lousy one-game series?  Who made this crazy schedule?  The Pirates hold the season edge so far, 9-4, with nine more still to play, but at least we get Big Lefty Carlton (14-6, 2.94) facing off against the Candy Man (17-5, 1.85) in a bonus battle between the league’s best pitchers. Take it away, Pennsylvania!