Can’t Get There From Here

Seamus Headley back with ya. It’s been a rough couple weeks stalling Doc Sheila on the all-important meeting at Patriot Act Inc. which we finally had today, mainly because I had no freaking idea why Gip and his cracker patch vanished from our funny farm in the first place, and wasn’t sure how to even bring the subject up with the Big Boys, let alone the tools at C.O.M.B. I told you about the last time. The nice thing is I got to spend some quality hours with Doc Sheila, who in spite of her glasses and starchy outfits has kind of a bottled-up sexy thing going on.

I hadn’t been to Patriot Act myself, and to get there we had to drive her Saab about 100 miles north into the Maine woods to a little general store/gas station/post office called The Gus Stop. Gus must’ve been tied up in a back room because there were two guys in black suits and shades behind the counter waiting for us, and the next thing we knew we were blindfolded, driven another five miles in the back of a big cushy car, and by the time this elevator went down about ten flights into the ground, we found ourselves in a giant boardroom with only two chairs at our end of a massively long table.

“You are here to discuss the problem with Mr. Gip?” said a spooky, metallic voice through a speaker phone in front of us. So I explained what happened, how the 4-D dice malfunctioned when the group threw them together and now won’t let them come back, and then Doc Sheila filled the voice in on the diagnosis of every missing patient, until she was suddenly interrupted.

“You do realize the magnitude of this unfortunate error, don’t you?” The doc and I looked at each other. If we didn’t realize it, we were sure about to.

“We cannot have Mr Gip and his disturbed cohorts running amok in some past decade. If they alter even one event, it can have drastic consequences for the present. Consequences we can barely fathom. Would you like something like this on your heads for eternity?”

We said not really, and the next step was laid out. Patriot Act will supply us with a prototype of their new invention, called 5-D Dice, which will enable Sheila and I to travel to 1977 together and use them to return with the whole group.

Except the dice won’t be ready for another month. “In the meantime, pray one of your mental defectives doesn’t drool on a wall socket at Bill Gates’ house and short out the computer system he’s building in his garage—or something like that.”

The light on the phone disappeared, and in seconds our blindfolds were back on.

Game of the Day

BLOOMINGTON, MN—It’s a beautiful spring night in Minnesota, and as we sit in the upper left field deck and look up at winking stars between innings it seems amazing that the Twins are going to move into an ugly dome in five years. Maybe I can find some important people in town before we leave and talk them out of it.

Anyway, the Yanks are here so the park is stuffed, but Dave Goltz has nothing in the 1st inning. Rivers, Munson and Reggie all single,and after Nettles whiffs, Piniella rips a shot into the stands right below us, and it’s 4-0 just like that. A Munson RBI single the next inning makes it 5-0 New York, and people grumble in the seats around us, but I know better. The Yanks are in last place for a reason, and they’ve been making a habit out of losing games like this.

Sure enough, Gullett is as shaky as Guidry has been lately, and five double play grounders are the only things that keep him in the game. Minnesota still attacks over and over like barracudas. Down 5-1 in the 6th with two outs and no one aboard after the third double play, two walks and three singles cut the deficit to 5-3.

Meanwhile the New York offense has dropped into a sewer. After getting out of a mini-jam in the 3rd, Goltz mows them down the next three innings. In the 7th, a Carew walk and Bob Randall single finish off Gullett and bring in the worst reliever in the league but believe it or not the best the Yankees have, Sparky Lyle. Nothing has been going right when this guy appears, so it’s a big shock when Bostock grounds out and Hisle whiffs for the first two outs.

Then Ford scratches out a single. A wild pitch ties the game. Borgmann walks. A second wild pitch moves the runners up. A Kusick grounder to Dent ends up in the seats and both runs score. The upper deck shakes as a 4 goes up on the board and the latest Sparky nightmare is over. All that’s left is for the Yanks to strand four more runners the last two innings and the Twins have beaten them for the third time in four tries.

I gotta admit I’m not real happy about the Yankees being in last. Yeah, I’m from New England, but how can you not feel sorry for a winning team playing this bad, no matter who it is? I mean, not having the Yanks duking it out with us is like a western without a bad guy, or a World War II movie with no one to fight but Mussolini’s palace guards.

And I really feel bad for Friendly Fred, who doesn’t say a word the entire game, then gets plastered on five bottles of Schell’s Bock afterwards so he can just pass out ahead of time and wake somewhere else.

NYY 410 000 000 – 5 10 1
MIN 001 002 40x – 7 11 0

W-Goltz L-Lyle HR: Piniella

Other Action:

at WHITE SOX 8-8-2, ORIOLES 6-9-1
Baltimore’s first reign at the top lasts only 24 hours, but they sure try their best to prolong it. Down 8-1 in the 4th after Grimsley gets his pants pulled over his head in the 2nd to the tune of seven runs on four extra base hits and a handful of walks, a Soderholm error and Mark Belanger (!) homer makes it 8-3. A 3-run bomb by Dauer in the 5th makes it 8-6. But Wilbur Wood knuckles them under from there, which is too bad because Grimsley throws a no-hitter for his last five innings. Weird game.

W-Wood L-Grimsley HRS: Belanger, Dauer, Nordhagen GWRBI-Nordhagen

at ROYALS 3-8-1, RED SOX 1-9-0
Don’t think it’s a coincidence, but K.C. is back in first the same day Brett returns from his injury. After hitting town playing pure Royalball in the first game, Boston loses this one by swinging for impossible homers and dying on the warning track against Pattin, who is clearly the Houdini of the league so far. Rice reverts to total uselessness, whiffing with two on his first time up, grounding into a DP his second time up, flying out and whiffing again after a Yaz double in the 8th. Rubber match tomorrow features Tiant (gulp) against the very stingy Leonard. My hopes are not up.

W-Pattin L-Cleveland HR: Porter GWRBI-Poquette

at RANGERS 6-11-0, INDIANS 2-7-2
A nice rebound win for Texas, with Blyleven fanning nine and easily winning his second straight.

W-Blyleven L-Garland HR: Thornton

PIRATES 10-17-0, at CARDS 3-8-4
Yikes. And it’s actually a lot closer than the score indicates. How come? Because ALL TEN Pirate runs are unearned. Forsch has two outs, nobody on in the 3rd when two singles and a walk are followed by Roger Freed dropping a fly in right to lead to four runs. Then after the last of Templeton’s three errors in the 5th, a walk and six straight Buc hits with two outs brings home six more tainted tallies. Pittsburgh is the first to twenty wins, as they head out to Dodger Stadium for three big battles.

W-Rooker L-B. Forsch

PHILLIES 5-9-0, at DODGERS 3-10-0
Another shocker. Hooton has a 5-hitter and 3-2 lead going to the 9th, but after Maddox triples with one out, Hough comes on and ignites himself like a Buddhist knuckleballing monk. Single-single, pinch hit Boone triple, and the come-from-ahead-loss is in the books.

W-McGraw L-Hough SV-Garber HRS: Garvey, Cey GWRBI-Boone

at ASTROS 2-5-0, EXPOS 1-9-0
Two straight for Houston on the bat of Terry Puhl, who triples in Cruz in the 7th for the decider. Ken Forsch even goes two and two-third relief innings without sucking.

W-K. Forsch L-Twitchell SV-Sambito HR-Perez GWRBI-Puhl

REDS 14-17-1, at CUBS 6-11-0
Poor Cubbies are chewed up at Wrigley, as Bill Bonham drops to 0-6. He’s mostly been losing tough pitching duels, but this one’s anything but. Griffey and Foster go mental, with six hits and eight RBIs between them.

W-Capilla L-Bonham HRS: Griffey, Foster, Murcer GWRBI-Griffey

American League through Wednesday, May 14

Kansas City 19 10 .655
Baltimore 19 11 .633 0.5
Boston 17 13 .567 2.5
Texas 15 15 .500 4.5
Chicago 13 15 .464 5.5
Minnesota 12 16 .429 6.5
Cleveland 12 19 .387 8
New York 10 18 .357 8.5

National League through Wednesday, May 14

Pittsburgh 20 10 .667
Los Angeles 16 12 .571 3
Cincinnati 15 12 .556 3.5
Philadelphia 15 13 .536 4
St. Louis 14 16 .467 6
Houston 13 18 .419 7.5
Montreal 11 17 .393 8
Chicago 11 17 .393 8

1 Comment

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One response to “Can’t Get There From Here

  1. scottsimkus

    good god almighty…my team stinks.

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