Think I’m stupid? Think them high-priced mechanics upstairs are gonna hot wire my head a few times and keep me from going after Gip’s dice? Every clown with a clipboard around here thinks Buzz is missing springs in his clock, but not me, oh no. Mikey Spano knows the street, knows the alley, and I’ll swear on my dead parole officer’s grave if I don’t know when someone’s got a good thing going. Gip was shaking his head over every damn Phillie game a few weeks ago, and now the sons-of-bitches are winning. I know it. And I’m not stayin cooped up in this goofy room one more night without a trip to the Vet. The stadium, I mean.
So here I go pickin’ open this lock with my nail clipper. Dr. G’s back from her trip, but she went home already and Sweeper Sammy’s across the yard doing his broom thing in the girls wing. Smart guy. Mistake I made last time was trying to get the dice by just knocking Gip out. This time I use the brains they made me with, and find all the stuff I need under the bed, stuffed in his slippers. Back to my room now, lock myself in, and I can forget those lousy onions I’ve been eating cause I can taste them ballpark peppers and the sausage they’re in bed with already.
Whoa, these dice babies are cookin’, and he’s even got one with twenty sides! How’d they do that? Think I’ve been in this place too long…
Games of the Days
PHILADELPHIA—A Sunday afternoon game, followed by the only Monday one in the bigs, both against those doofy Expos. We beat ‘em yesterday even though Lefty didn’t get the win, and now we got Christenson going against Rogers, who’s like their only starter who doesn’t suck. So why are they scoring two runs in the 1st? Think I’m joking here? Yeah! there’s a triple by Johnstone and a single by Boonie and we’re at it again. The Bull ties it was a sac fly the next inning, then hits the snot out of one in the 5th with two guys on for another triple and we’re up 4-2!
Christenson’s been useless, though, and falls apart in the 7th and the Molson-heads get three and take the lead back. YO PHILLIES! LIFT YOUR SKIRTS AND INFLICT SOME PAIN!!
And they do. Schmidt walks and the Bull singles and then Rogers throws one past Carter and Johnstone singles and here’s some tool named Kerrigan and Boonie and Sizemore single and Bowa hits a sac fly and we got four runs and the game, mama!
MTL 200 000 300 – 5 11 0
PHL 011 020 04x – 8 11 0
W-Reed L-Rogers SV-Brusstar GWRBI-Boone
Same kickass business on Monday. Johnstone and Hebner go back-to-back off twitchy Twitchell and it’s 4-0 when Del Unser bombs a 3-run job off Lonborg to make it close. FOR LIKE TEN SECONDS! We’re talkin’ five singles, a Hal Dues balk and a Davey Johnson pinch-hit prosciutto that’s still going, for six runs! How can this lineup not win the godamn pennant, I ask youz?
Oh, maybe because we haven’t gotten a relief job yet that you don’t wanna stick in a dumpster. Garber gives up two singles, a homer and triple in the 8th when the game shoulda been over, then Reed chips in with three singles in the 9th to give every one of us a freakin heart attack.
But it’s an eight-team race now, guys and skanks. And that’s the skinny.
MTL 000 030 031 – 7 17 0
PHL 010 306 01x – 11 13 0
W-Lonborg L-Twitchell SV-Reed
HRS: Unser,Valentine, Johnstone, Hebner, Johnson GWRBI-Bowa
All the Sunday doubleheaders and other junk:
at REDS 2-4-0, PIRATES 1-5-2
Smokin’ Seaver, Rotten Rooker
W-Seaver L-Rooker HR-Driessen, GWRBI-Rose
PIRATES 8-12-3, at REDS 6-12-0
The Bucs undress Soto, but Goose still has to hold the fort down. Pops comes back from a 1-game injury and gets his boys going with a 2-run hoagie in the 1st.
W-Forster L-Soto SV-Gossage HRS: Stargell, Ott, Garner, Driessen, Morgan GWRBI-Stargell
ASTROS 12-20-0, at CARDS 1-6-1
Eric I mean Harry I mean Eric Rasmussen bends over for the fearsome Astros, as Joe Niekro throws a game as great as his first one, before he threw the barfy one.
W-Niekro L-Rasmussen HRS: Ferguson, Cedeno, McBride GWRBI-Cruz
at CARDS 3-10-0, ASTROS 2-6-1
Weird, but these teams are 4-4 against each other now, after Ken Forsch comes in with a 2-1 lead in the 8th and Templeton hits his fifth triple of the year to knock in the winners.
W-Urrea L-Larson GWRBI-Templeton
DODGERS 14-19-1, at CUBS 3-5-1
We got the same record as the Cubs now, ya believe that? Burris does most of the toilet work here, but they could’ve stuck Three-Finger Brown in the game and the L.A. Boys would’ve taken care of his other hand and half his face.
W-Sutton L-Burris HRS: Smith, Garvey-2, Baker GWRBI-Smith
at ORIOLES 4-7-0, YANKEES 2-9-1
Another tight and strange one between these two. The Yanks get five doubles off Grimsley but can’t score a run after the 1st, while Figueroa outpitches him but loses by dishing up three solo bird bombs.
W-Grimsley (3-0!) L-Figueroa HRS: Murray, May-2 GWRBI-Murray
RED SOX 9-11-1, at INDIANS 3-9-1
W-Cleveland L-Waits HR: Scott GWRBI-Fisk
RED SOX 12-12-2, at INDIANS 2-8-1
W-Lee L-Dobson HR: Fisk GWRBI-Fisk
Look out here. That’s a 4-game sweep for the Bosox, who I’m learnin’ a few things about. Like they’ve only given up 25 walks in 15 games. And that they lead the league now with 83 runs scored and 17 homers after lookin’ like ballerinas the first week. And the Jim Rice RBI watch is over, too. He goes 0-for-8 on the long day to drop to .186, but hits a sacrifice fly in the first game to knock in his first thankful common man of the year.
at ROYALS 2-5-0, RANGERS 0-2-0
W-Leonard L-Blyleven HR: Mayberry GWRBI-Mayberry
at ROYALS 3-4-0, RANGERS 1-4-0
What the hell am I talkin’ about? THIS is the team to look out for. Leonard 3-0 now? Doug freaking Bird with a CG? Sheesh.
TWINS 5-13-0, at WHITE SOX 3-7-3
Let’s put some color in that other corpse’s face while we’re at it, huh? Down 3-1 in the 7th, the Twinks put their second straight late rally together in Chi-town and give Goltz his first win. Five straight hits do the damage, with Hisle’s winning double smack dab in the middle.
W-Goltz L-Barrios GWRBI-Hisle
Check it out! East vs. West deathmatches up next!
RANGERS AT YANKEES
TWINS AT INDIANS
WHITE SOX AT RED SOX
ROYALS AT ORIOLES
CARDS AT PIRATES
CUBS AT REDS
ASTROS AT EXPOS
DODGERS AT PHILS (SHIT!)
American League through Monday, April 28
National League through Monday, April 28